Ladies and Gentlemen I give you....

So unless you live under a very heavy rock with bad reception you've have probably seen this:

Rebecca Black's friday is basically what it would it sound like if a 5-year-old Ke$ha performed a song about the calendar on a water-damaged Casio keyboard after snorting glitter glue and swallowing a vibrating ball. You know she's awful because the copious amounts of autotunage on this chick still can't fix her. This is only the tip of the iceberg, she then sings a song that's lyrical hilarity can rival any Lonely Island song. I don't know what's worse the existential question of which car seat to take or the segment in the bridge where it is very explicitly explained exactly where in the rotation of days of the week Friday falls. She is a perfect example of what is wrong with pop music today, bluntly she is an atrocity of anything good in this world. I don't want to seem extreme but she's the devil incarnate. The only good coming of this is that the general public understands just how bad she is and is not praised like other dubious pop idols. 


The most terrifying part about this ordeal is that she is not alone. There is actually a record label full of these people. Who would do the human race such a horrible disservice you ask? The answer is Ark Music Factory, a Los Angeles-based company operating as an industry hybrid of Maurice Starr and John Bennett Ramsey. Their casting calls are perfect bait for starry-eyed parents: “If you are a great singer without any material and you want to get discovered,” one reads, “then Ark Music Factory is looking for you.” The formula is simple: They’ll fly your child between the specified ages of 13-17 to Los Angeles, write her a “hit,” record it in super-compressed Autotuned production, shoot an edge detection-overlay video and BAM! Maybe your kid can notch up a couple thousand YouTube views while you watch your dreams of being a pop-star parent percolate. Yes this shit is real. 


I don't know what to say, God help us all. I'll pray for you.